His apologies
by NaijaChiqa
Summary: Ryan sees the changes in Seth and wishes there was something he could do. Companion piece to Solstice.


I do not own the O.C.  
  
A/N: About two months ago, nysha63 requested a companion piece to Solstice. Being the laziest person to walk the earth, I am only just getting around to it.  
  
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Ryan watched him leave. His back was so rigid that he could almost visualize the tension flowing through it. He'd known this day would come. He'd been counting the minutes since Seth received that rejection letter, trying to come up with some way to soften the inevitable blow to his ego. He wasn't being arrogant, but he knew he would be invited to enroll at Berkeley. How could he not, after discovering that the interviewer had grown up in his old neighborhood and even though he hadn't known his family, had been very pleased that a fellow Chinoan was so ambitious and willing to making something of his life? He was sure he would still have been accepted with a much lower G.P.A.   
  
He looked at the three faces smiling at him and noticed the glister on Summer's right cheek. Even though he was sure that she shared in his happiness, he knew that those tears weren't for him. After school a few months earlier, she'd caught up with him in the parking lot and broken down. She complained that Seth had become someone else, that he no longer saw her. It had started off slowly, first as absentmindedness and aloofness brought about by the self-centeredness she'd learned to adore. Then it morphed into something else. He'd questioned her every move, making her explain in detail, every word she uttered, till it escalated and he started accusing her of duplicity; of deliberately trying to hurt him; of hating him; of not reciprocating his love. Of course he hadn't been quite blatant in his accusations but the way he spoke and the looks he gave her… it was oozing from his skin as he'd never really been good at masking his feelings. She felt helpless and useless, wishing there was a way she could convince him of her love.   
  
Ryan had tried reassuring her but he knew she was right -he felt it too. The casual trusting Seth he'd sometimes unappreciated had long since left. If he'd known returning to Chino would have had such an effect on his brother's life, he'd have stayed put. Actually, that was untrue. He knew he'd have left anyway, after all, it was out of his control, but he most probably would not have returned. He regretted his inability to prevent hurting him and wished he would give him a chance to explain it all.  
  
If only Seth realized how lucky he was! He'd been born into a great family, into one that loved him as sure as the air they breathed. He didn't have to prove anything to them – they'd love him just the same. But Ryan knew it was different for him. They'd been kind enough to take him in, purely for his own benefit; they'd never put any pressure on him, letting him be who he was and do what he wished and for that, he was eternally grateful. But he knew there'd always be that line; that they'd always remember that he wasn't really theirs and they didn't have to tell him - they showed it everyday. It showed in their careful way of speaking to him, almost like they were taking extra care to show him that they appreciated him, something they didn't have to do with Seth, because with their son, the love was already understood.  
  
He longed for the day that their love wouldn't be so explicit, that it was so ingrained in their relationship that it became an unspoken word. In an effort to bring that into fruition, he decided to become his best self. In a million years, he would never had expected to become such a geek. Sure, school wasn't particularly difficult for him but he'd never predicted that he'd spend Saturday evenings studying or even envision himself asking the teacher for extra credit. What the hell? That was not the Ryan Atwood he'd been most of his life. But with the Cohens, simple people who backed him both financially and emotionally, he just couldn't let them down. And thus his life changed. Why couldn't Seth understand that?  
  
Not only did he have to become the perfect foster child, he had to become the perfect role model for his son. He was no fool – he knew he wasn't his. Never in the history of the Atwoods had there been a child --of flesh or myth-- with eyes so clearly unmatched, one green, the other blue. And that sure as hell didn't run in Theresa's family. He'd have thought the same of Eddie's, if he hadn't met his mother -the slightly built woman whose multicolored sparkling eyes were made even more remarkable by the contrast with her dark, olive skin. But he just couldn't abandon Theresa – he'd known her far too long and her family had loved him when no one else would. He owed that much to her but mostly, he owed it to the Cohens. There had to be a justification for the pain he'd brought to them when he left. If he rejected little Cohen, it would all have been for nothing.  
  
He wasn't a machine – he ended most days in exhaustion. An evening shift at the Crab Shack usually left him with a full night of homework. On those days he had to pick up his crying child with those fingers raw from working to pay for diapers, he just wanted to pack it in and tell the world to fuck itself. But he couldn't. How would that make him any better than his own father? The Cohens repeatedly asked him to quit, citing that they'd subsidize his lifestyle but he couldn't do that to them – he couldn't make them responsible for his missteps. They'd already done far too much, given him a place to live and allowing him to dream of a better life. It was now his duty to do the best he could, to eventually become the man they thought he was and maybe then, just then, he'd no longer feel like the fraud he was and he'd really be that person – that boy they were trying to love as much as they did their own son.   
  
"What would you like to eat?" Kirsten asked them, disentangling from the group and heading for the refrigerator.  
  
"Seth loves to order from Gino's," Summer volunteered, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.  
  
"Where's he?" Sandy asked, looking around the room.  
  
"I think he's gone to his room," Ryan told them.  
  
"Poor boy," Kirsten said, shaking her head slowly. "I know he really looked forward to rooming with you in College."  
  
Ryan nodded, wishing that were really the case. It was amazing how parents could be so clueless.  
  
"I think I should go and talk to him," Sandy said, looking through the fruit bowl and picking out a red apple.  
  
"No, let me." Ryan walked out of the kitchen without waiting for a response.  
  
The hallway had never looked so long. He didn't quite know what he'd say to him – it seemed like a lifetime since they'd last spoken. Other than the mandatory greetings that were shared daily, it seemed like they never had much to say to each other. Actually, Ryan had a lot to say, having been forced into speaking more often and for much longer in an attempt to force Seth out of his shell. But it never worked. All he got in return were grunts and moans, which only served to prove further that Seth really wasn't there.  
  
He tossed the letter into his room as he passed its open door. If was funny how life turned out. He'd been so excited after his interview, recognizing that the opportunity to attend the prestigious university would take him one step closer to becoming a real Cohen boy – no strings attached - but it turned out that the true Cohen boy, the one who shared their blood, wouldn't even get the chance to follow in his father's footsteps. If refusing to attend Berkeley wasn't so condescending, he'd have promised it to Seth. If there could be any justifiable reason for returning to Chino, he would have done it in a flash. Surely, giving up on his dreams and rejecting their love was worth helping Seth mend his relationship with his parents; it was a sacrifice worth making. But he knew it wouldn't help. Somehow, Seth would see it as another betrayal and the family would lose him even further.  
  
When he was about a foot away from his brother's door, he heard a door hinge creak and in a matter of seconds, saw Seth walk out of his room. Ryan started to say something when he looked in his eyes and saw the hint of redness. His mouth suddenly dry, he watched as Seth walked past him and out of the hallway, and as he walked into his room, he wondered if there'd ever come a time when he'd find the right words to say. 


End file.
